It has been quite a while. Every time I think I’ll write a post, something distracts me or I think probably no one is still reading it any way.  However, every now and then someone tells us they check my blog for updates, so here I go.

It’s Monday, before Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. To me, it is sort of an uncomplicated holiday filled with food and family, and a focus on thanking our Heavenly Father for all of His blessings. It was also one of my Dad’s favorite gatherings as well. He usually prepared a devotion of some sort and delegated verses and/or Bible topics to his sons-in-law or grandkids. There were times we thought this was a mighty lofty goal, especially when the littles were so young and rambunctious. However, now they all remember it fondly now and it is a tradition we plan to carry on.

My Dad died on April 19th this year.  It is so unbelievable. He passed away seven weeks after being diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). He was one of the healthiest people I knew. But God has numbered our days and we can’t alter that. I do think that the way my Dad cared for his body perhaps made the 77 years he had with better quality – perhaps less aches, pains, dementia, etc. I’m sure there was some benefit – I know he was always able to help us out running errands, playing handyman, researching random things for us online or at the hardware store, etc.  Boy, we miss him. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt when there are simple things I’d ask him or that he’d run to the store for without complaining. It hurts not having him here, but I’m positive he is in the presence of our Lord. AND we will be reunited again, for eternity.

This fall has been rough. I think – no, I know – I probably hit rock bottom a few weeks ago. I didn’t know I could go any lower. It seemed I had been through so much already. I’ve found that the mental/emotional struggle can be the absolute hardest. About three weeks ago, I went three days without sleep, barely eating (my weight was scary low) and in complete despair. Anxiety had gripped me ferociously and I found it so frustrating especially because I have a firm belief that God can comfort me and can be trusted. I have had tastes of this many times before, but this was more excruciating than ever. I was paralyzed – not even wanting to get up to go to the bathroom.  Because it was so painful, I’ve actually avoided asking or thinking too much about what all went on while my mom and Jonathan looked on – helping the best they could.

I had already been hospitalized 3 times since the beginning on August.  Our family (excluding Amber, but including my mom) had all gotten Covid. We were vaccinated, and thankfully that helped us to all have milder cases.  I went to the ICU 2 times to recover, but thankfully it was much gentler on me because of the immunity I had built up from the shots. I had to be isolated because of the Covid and the family was sick, so they couldn’t visit. Thankfully, God got me through without feeling terribly lonely – I’ve always been blessed to have Judith, my mom or Jonathan stay with me it the past. Finally, I was able to have a visitor a couple of hours through the glass as time went on.

Not many days later, I was admitted into the hospital a third time. Covid was gone, but I had coronavirus HKU – an upper respiratory virus. I’m pretty sure each time I went to the hospital, we called for an ambulance – I’ve now become used to the spectacle, and pretty sure my neighbors know that it is not necessarily an immediate life or death situation next door.

The fourth time, a few weeks ago was the absolute worse, though, as I said earlier. I had so many “what ifs” flying through my head, pondering about my future and care and how I was contributing to my family and my community. I felt like I was sucking the life out of everything and not contributing much of anything. The Enemy was playing with my well-being and I was spiraling downward.  The pain was indescribable. The mental pain.

I have such empathy for those struggling mentally and emotionally. It is a true illness and doesn’t show itself because of a lack of belief in the Lord. I believe it is like a physical illness, AND God can heal it just as a physical sickness. Although, it can feel extra tricky.

So, Mom and Jonathan called the ambulance for my fourth admission to Vanderbilt University Medical Center. It is all such a blur to me, and I’ve chosen not to ask all of the details because I don’t want to relive the anguish right now. But, I’ll say when you go three days with zero sleep, a constant anxiety attack including labored breathing and pretty much starving, you need nothing shy of a miracle/intervention by Jesus.

Thankfully, I got it! I wish I could say the doctors knocked me out and I woke up happy. No, I had to continue breathing through it until eventually my body fell into a deep sleep – sweet relief! They were able to get total parenteral nutrition (TPN) started through an IV to begin re-feeding – my weight now down to under 100 pounds. My meds were examined carefully by the teams of doctors of different specialties and 3 teams were established to figure the best way for me to get a feeding tube. They were hesitant because of my compromised lungs (due to GVHD related to my 2014/2015 stem cell transplants, I’ve been on 24/7 oxygen since 2016). After one week they decided they would do the surgery without sedation because of their concern I’d end up on a ventilator and not get off.

I had no choice unless I went completely against their advice. Thankfully, they were able to do the procedure early in the morning so that I had less time to think about it and they gave me some valium to keep my calm. I had a kind nurse hold my hand, but I’ll say it was weird to hear all of the conversation of the surgeons. But success! To have a feeding tube is a blessing – which I don’t know if many would ever think that, but when you are malnourished your mind and body truly do not work right. So many things fail. My lack of appetite and lack of energy to eat/prepare food is now solved knowing I have complete nutrition as needed through the feeding tube. I can eat normally, but also supply the extra needed that I’m unable to meet on my own.

So, that’s where I’m at right now. There have been so many ups and downs. So many stories to tell, but I’ve neglected to get on here and share them. I’ll try to tell them as they come upon my mind. The basic thing I have to share is that life is hard. Don’t buy into the commercial image that life is always easy and beautiful if you x,y,z . . . something or other. Scripture tells us that in this world we will have trouble, but He has overcome the world.  (John 16:33) Our lives have purpose and meaning even when we can’t see what it is. It is so easy to feel despair with so many factors, but Jesus calls us to Him for comfort and strength. Breath by breath, step by step, you are never alone. God goes before you, behind you, above and below and on both sides. (Psalm 139: 7-10) He’s here and already waiting at tomorrow. Focus on this day, for tomorrow has enough to care about when that day comes. (Matthew 6:34)

Happy 19th to our eldest – in college and doing great! God is good!